Language and Communication pt I

I've been meaning to write more directly about some of the tricks our family uses to communicate for some time now.

The other day, while AWOL at Culvers, I read an editorial in our local paper where the writer explained how he would teach people proper English. He had a very tidy 3 point method that I'm sure he spent a lot of time on (I know that because they all started with 'S',) but was completely... um, how should I put this, theoretical. Point one was "syntax" and honestly I didn't get much further into the article than that. Clearly this guy has never tried to explain to crying children in a crowded airport why driving home from Africa is not an option, or he would have known that Point one is "Gesture wildly." So let me tell you what we've figured out through trial and error, but keep in mind that our kids did learn some English before we met. Your results may vary.

-Gesture Wildly. First of all hand motions, funny faces, and noises are generally engaging, memorable, and most importantly duplicateable. They reinforce whatever you're blathering on about and give your child an alternate way to communicate back to you. It's really frustrates our kids when they say something in English and we look at them blankly. "Fish" and "Fix" may sound identical but their hand motions are completely different.

-Generate a list of 'Single Lesson' words. These are words that stick and are instantly usable. In retrospect, we've spent a lot less total time teaching a word by hammering on it for 5 or 10 minutes instead of just using it over and over in context. For instance, early on we put the kids in swings and asked, "Finished?" If they said "Yes," we quit pushing and ask the question again about 3 seconds later. "Finish" became an immediate part of our working vocabulary. The more words you have like that, the better.

-Avoid Homonyms and words with double meanings. This is where English gets stupid because it's practically built on words that sound alike. The only difference between "Don't know" and "Don't, No!" is how angry you're voice sounds when you say it. Stuff like, "Left?" "Right!" is confusing even when you have a good grip on English, so I've made a very conscious effort to replace 'know' with 'understand' and 'right' with 'correct' whenever possible.

-Unless you are a Queen, they will not learn the Queen's English. I wince on the inside when my son responds with, "Yep!" or "Nooope," because I know he didn't pick those up in Ethiopia. Nothing like new ears to remind you how sloppy your speech has become. Enunciation takes energy which is why we usually wait until Sunday or someday later to practice it. (See...) And that leads me to the last point:

-Here's a thought, Use actual WORDS. I know what you're thinking, but this is more difficult than it sounds because we are so accustomed to our own little verbal shorthand. When our children ask a question, they expect an ok, yes, no, or maybe. Not an: uh-huh, uh-uh, huh. huh? nah, eh, meh, pfft, Hmm... heh, HA! err... or *shrug.* Can you imagine trying to sort through all those sounds and picking out which words they represent?

So keep it simple, K? Goddit? Well, dooya? Hmmm? Dunno, huh? Eh... nevermind. Whatevz.

Stay tuned to the tube for part two tomorrow too!

Snippets

Like Chris said, no news is good news, but many of the little things are still really interesting. When you stop to think that this is either only week 7 or already week 7 (depending on the mood of the day) it's remarkable. So yes, those of you who felt it necessary to encourage us with the old "It'll get better soon" line, feel free to treat yourself to a big cup of, "I told you so." Apparently all those years of treating my wife like a 6 year old have finally paid off!

I read some other adoption blog a while ago where the writer was relaying an anecdote that happened at WalMart and I remember thinking, "What would possess you to think that taking your internationally adopted child to WalMart was a good idea?" Well, the Gardners haven't done the big W yet, but I can see surviving it now. If, you know, by some freak of fate we ended up there. Like if our plane went down in it, or mystically dense fog, or twister ala Wizard of Oz or something.

Here are some notables that have happened in the last week:

-Habti can now swim just by kicking his legs. This is a huge accomplishment for a boy who had to be verbally shamed into a foot and a half of 102 degree water two months ago.

-We went to a pool party with several other good friends and their small children. We got to smile proudly as, not only were our children self-entertained for a large chunk of the afternoon, but we were also able to let them splash around in the pool with minimal supervision. They should really start putting that in the adoption brochures. "Adopt older children: They can touch in a 4 foot pool."

My personal highlight was when one friend asked, "So how's the communication coming along," just as my son yelled, "Daddy Come!" from across the yard. I looked back at my friend and said, "You tell me, did you have trouble understanding that? I thought it was pretty clear." Laughter ensued.

-We watched the movie CARS (thanks Sean!) in full surround sound. H loved it and kept making this, "did that car just drive in from behind the couch?" face. Y has fallen asleep during it twice. I keep wanting to tell her that real racing cars put daddy to sleep too, but she wouldn't think it was funny.

-You know those things you get used to around your house and you forget that other people deal with differently? Well, we had dinner with the Bonsol's this weekend, who also have younger children (their oldest is about Y's age.) It was fun and really nice to hang out with them, but the thing is, their kids don't eat pizza competitively... seriously, my kids ate 10 slices, in one sitting, to their 2. People, that's a ratio of 5:1. Lord have mercy on their slow eaters if we ever get the home court advantage, and they should probably lock some snacks in the car just in case.

-VBS (vacation bible school) started this week. Today went well all facts considering. New kids, new music, new format, new crafts, new teacher, new food, etc... I spent the evening with H, who stayed pinned to my side and was uncomfortable, but not overloaded. Chris said Y was sociable with her teachers. Both kids wanted me to play the VBS songs on guitar this evening, which is kind of a problem since I've only heard them once too. Maybe by the end of the week...

-Oh, and this weekend was Law Enforcement free!

No News is Good News!

I know by saying the following that I'm just begging to be smote (?) smitten (?)... but

Things are going really well. (Ducking for cover from the lightning bolt about to strike.) I really can't believe how quickly the children are learning English. That alone has solved a bunch of issues. Now when H yells at Y, I can get him to tell me WHY, instead of being all lame... "Um. Stop that. Even though I don't know what you're saying."

H has become the emotionally steadier of the 2 lately... blows MY mind too. No tantrums in quite awhile. He weathered his first 2 zits... the first one jutting out of his chin like Mt. Rushmore, and the 2nd on the lash line of his right eye.

Yordi is a grudge holder and has taken to, in essence, saying to the OTHER parent, "Tell Mommy/Daddy that....." Things do usually blow over quickly with her, unless she's tired. And, oh yes, you can tell when that is... She becomes more and more irrational in her button pushing. There's no way to placate... you can't say the "right" thing. Only ignore it or answer patiently every time. We haven't found a way to diffuse it. I usually end up talking loudly to her (we won't call it yelling... it's not quite) but that always ends badly for everyone. She has found the button of asking me the same question 100 times. I keep giving the same answer, but on the 101st time, I'm fed up... hence the outdoor speaking voice.

Otherwise, the problems we are having seem to be common to ALL parents and children, and are less and less problems related to adoptive issues. I know we'll have to deal with more of that later, but for now, things are good. :)

Thank you all for your continued prayer and support!

Scenes from Addis Ababa

Finally getting through the backlog of pictures from last month.

Poor Lee. I found this mesabe right away on our outing to the "post office". (The Post Office is a shopping area.) Our Transition Center liaison got the price knocked down to 450 birr (about $45). I wouldn't have dared buy one, except that I saw another family had bought one. Turns out there's a place at the Addis airport that wraps bulky items up to be checked. We inspired another family to buy one too! Problem was, our private bus was VERY crowded, even without the addition of 2 mesabes.

























Can you find the ferenge (foreigner)?
























Traffic patterns in Addis Ababa are... well... let's just say that THERE ARE NO RULES. I could never drive there. It's a free-for-all. This is a pretty tame traffic circle... we saw worse...

















There were also several torn up roads, and the worst road was in front of this building, ironically. Click on the pic to see the name of the building.

(Unnecessarily) Sneaky

Today we went and saw Daddy at work. It was big excitement. However, it required leaving the house.... It took 45 minutes to get the kids out the door. They could NOT have been more trying if they were, um, trying. After 30 minutes I lost my temper and the kids found it... in the form of a sarcastic, mean lady who kept saying (quite loudly) "Hurry! Yes, NOW! Hurry!"

Once in the car, I turned the radio UP, drank my coffee, fielded a few questions from the peanut gallery... until the drone of the engine did its work, and mellowed everyone the heck out. Especially Mommy. Listened to Christian radio, heard a certain song, was chastened, coffee kicked in...

Seeing Lee at work was good for H&Y. They were awake for the whole trip and the gist of their comments were "Daddy long drive." I said "Yes, every day." Them, "Wow. Daddy home, water, Daddy home, sleep, Daddy home, eat." (As in "No wonder Daddy comes home and needs water, sleep and food.") The people at work were awesome, and I was so glad to see everyone too! (Hi guys! I know you're reading at work!)

Then a quick drop off at Grandma and Grandpa's and I went to get my hair cut. It was the full color/cut action this time, so it was a 2 hour appointment. It was great while I was under the dryer reading trashy mags, but carrying on a conversation with the stylist became work after a while. I just wanted to stare off into space. Empty, quiet space. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I was hoping that while I was at the hair appt, Lee would be laying the groundwork with H&Y for us to ditch (I mean "leave them in safe hands") with Lee's folks so we could sneak (I mean "we're adults, we don't have to explain our actions to you") out and see the new Batman movie. He didn't, but we decided to try it anyway. Lee's folks were game, and the 2 of us haven't been out together alone since, um, when was that? We sucked it up and brought H to the clock in the kitchen. (He's got a rudimentary idea about time telling.) We said "Mommy, Daddy, car. Habtamu, Yordanos: Grandma, Grandpa's house. Mommy Daddy at Grandma/Grandpa's house at five-three-zero, then Mommy, Daddy, Habtamu, Yordanos: home, dinner." (That's pretty close to how we communicate. If you throw in a bunch of adjectives, etc... it's too much and they don't get it.) He repeated it all back to us and shrugged and said "Ok." Um, really? We went up and told Y, and she repeated it back to us and said "Ok. Bye!" Um.

They walked us out to the car and we had the usual parent leaving ceremony. They gave us hugs and kisses, and waved us out with smiles. Um. On the road we were in awe. "It can't possibly be as easy as that." Woo hoo! Who wants 'em next? We'll swing by and drop 'em off. (Ha ha, just kidding... I think the reason it worked so well, was because they know G&G very well now, and as Grandma said "Yeah, it's nice here with Grandma saying Yes to everything they ask.")

Anyway, we did see Batman. Not a feel-good family flick, but pretty good if you like dark movies.

We did NOT make our five-three-zero deadline. I was worried about that; H&Y apparently noted it, but didn't fuss. We got in at six-zero-zero and went home. :)

After dinner, we looked at the big family calendar, and H&Y finally showed an interest in it and wanted to know what was happening tomorrow, and, and, and... So we went through it together. It really helps them to know what's going on. (And they understand "Maybe" now, so, boy, does THAT help.) Anyway, I thought I'd try a little "here's what's next, and when" action to bedtime. We've been pretty consistent with bedtimes... usually 9:15, 9:30. (It may seem late, but they just fool around until 10/10:30 anyway, no matter when they get up there.) We told them at nine-one-five, you are going to bed. Guitar and books, yes, if you get pajamas on and brush teeth ahoon (now). Habtamu sure understood... he started pecking at Yordi on his way running up the stairs. They pj'd and brushed in record time... usually it's a struggle. At 9:15, we closed the book we were reading and tucked them in. Huh. How about that.

Every time we've showed them where the lines on the road are, they've complied and seemed relieved even. Remember the banana craze? I finally told them 3 bananas each per day, instead of pestering me all day... and it worked. (Also, bananas are now out of favor.) They used to drench their pasta with sauce until Lee (tired of the slurping) told them ONE ladle full per bowl. Now when they ladle their sauce, they say "Oooooooonnnnnne." H had been begging for new tennis shoes (which he does need - we're not TOTAL suckers) for several days in a row. We set a date on the calendar for shoe shopping next week, and Voila! Happy boy, looking forward to that day.

I showed them when Christmas was too, since Yordi has been asking things like "Christmas Monday?" They seemed a little disappointed with the number of pages I had to flip to get to December. Then I showed them January 2009 and said it's next year. And they promptly celebrated and said "Yay! Bicycles!" Yeah, the fateful words came back to haunt us... we'd told them "Bikes, next year." I tried to explain about COLD and SNOW, but they wouldn't believe it anyway. I pointed to April and May and said "Bikes in Spring."

Magic Waters, Indeed

The first time our kids ever went swimming was in Addis Ababa at the Hilton. They were skeptical of the water at 1st. The Hilton was the perfect first-time swimming experience... the water was so warm... mmm... bath water. At first they were sticking their thumbs in their nostrils and index fingers in their ears to keep the water out. We showed them how to put their face in the water.

Fast forward 5 weeks and several positive pool experiences later... Our church had a private party at Magic Waters. The kids immediately wanted to go on the slides. I was skeptical that they'd actually do it. They did it, and not only once, but several times. They also loved the wave pool.

In Soviet Russia, Police are busted by YOU!

I figured that since we were planning on going to Magic Waters with our church on Monday, it would be a really good idea to take the kids out to "Big Wanna" (That's Amhar-glish for "large pool") beforehand for some recon. They tend to do better if they have some clue what they're getting into, so Sunday afternoon we drove out for a look. I knew we wouldn't be able to see much of anything from the gate, but at least they'd know how far it was, and get a vague lay of the land. So we park and trot up to the gate where we get a lovely view of the lazy river. Both kids were duly unimpressed. From where we were standing, you could barely see the wave pool, and really all you could see was a lot of bodies in something blue. I figured the wave pool would be a better selling point so we walked along the fence for a bit hoping for a better view. There really wasn't much to be seen so we stopped at a spot where we could at least see the slides and the large water bucket that dumps every 3 minutes.

We were waiting for the bucket to go one last time when I looked over my shoulder and realized that Rockford's Finest had pulled up behind us. I had my sunglasses on so I don't think he saw my eyes roll as I walked down to his vehicle with a smile. Officer Friendly was actually very nice and asked me if I needed help, so I explained the situation. He was cool with that, but didn't make his exit before the kids figured out what was going on and came running to investigate. Now there are three heads leaning, and two fingers pointing, through his passenger window. H spots the gun and the handcuffs right away and correctly mimes how they both work. The officer smiles.

Then my son says, "Daddy No Seatbelt." Again, I've got my sunglasses on and really couldn't see much inside the car. I look at him and say, "No, I'm sure the police man has his seatbelt on." I look back to see that indeed, his sidearm is blocking the seatbelt clasp. The Officer just shrugged and said, "Eh, write me a ticket,"which actually was better than anything what I would have said. All I could think of was, "When you get a gun, you won't have to wear a seatbelt either."

So there you have it. My son, whose complete understanding of American traffic laws consists of, Red Stop, Green Go, and "Everybody Seatbelt," called out an armed Officer. Fantastic.

Hmmm... Gardner family attracting the attention of the Police, must be Sunday.

PS) The title of this blog is from a stupid internet joke. It's not really that funny even if you get it...

Home Alone

And loving it.

My awesome husband just took the kids to the park for the afternoon. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. All I could think as they were preparing to leave was "Go, go, go, so I can eat a popsicle (or 4), and hide the evidence deep in the trash." Done and done.

I wanted to tell you about some of the fun/funny things that go on in our family. It's not all screaming, cop cars and time outs. Although those stories DO make good copy. :)

-- I know any of you with children know that if you lay down a rule, the children will be on the lookout for you to break it. One night at dinner, Habtamu was trying to "correct" my behavior, by pointing his finger at me and repeating the rule to me. This would have been more effective had his OTHER finger not been up his nose at the time.

-- "Toots" are almost always funny to 10 and 7 year olds. It's sometimes funny to me, but it's HILARIOUS to them every time.

-- When the children are out with just one parent, there are always stories to tell the other parent when we get back. The kids will excitedly mimic an action, and/or give key words about the story, and then point at the 1st parent and say "Shaybela, shaybela, shay!" and point at the 2nd parent. It's great to build stories together as a family.

-- Every day gets better and better family wise. Now when the children don't whine or cry, they let us know that they didn't by making the faces and noises and saying "No." Then they show what they actually did that was right and say "Yes." We give lots of praise at that point. They really do try to do as we ask. In that, we are very fortunate. Whatever rearing they had before we became their parents, was very good.

T.G.I.S.

Ah, Saturday! 2 parental units, 2 children... evens up the score a bit. We decided to go to Summerfield Farm and Zoo today. Lee surprised me back in May with a trip there, and it's a neat little place. Today and tomorrow is Christmas in July. Soooo... we end up with this: (I mean, really, how do you go about explaining this to children 5 weeks out of Ethiopia?)

























It was not super hot today... good cloud cover, but it was muggy. I pity the elves in their felted layers.

Also, Santa doesn't usually have to worry about flies in December. He was a really authentic Santa too. And nice.

Also, I just found out, to get these smiles out of our kids, Lee was sticking his finger up his nose.

Right before this picture was taken, a lady with a big camera approached us and asked if we live in Boone County. She was a photographer for a weekly paper in the county. She asked if she could take a picture of the children. Um, sure... But then she was trying to figure out where to put them, trying to set up a shot, wanting to take a family picture of us. And I'm thinking, "Um, lady... take it or don't, but the dithering will not work for our children." And H and Y were looking confused and moments away from scared, when the nice elf lady swooped in and introduced them to Santa and got them to sit for this shot (taken by me). We tried to explain that they were new here, and didn't know much English. I was prepared for all manner of crying, but whatever magic elf-lady had, she totally charmed our children into following her. Meanwhile photo lady was setting up photos with a different family, and we beat a hasty retreat toward the hay ride (fun-o-meter score: -1). On the way out of Santa's lair, I noticed that pics with Santa cost $5. Oh rats... I ran back with $$, but nice elf lady said "Oh no, honey, not for you! Have a great day." How very, very nice.

After an hour, we asked the children if they wanted to look around more, or go home. We had a consensus on HOME, so we got in the car and left. No drama. Wha?! I had brought a bunch of snacks just in case, since our visit was going to cut into lunch time. They happily munched on popcorn all the way home. I said to Lee "You know what that crunching sound is? NOT CRYING." And we high-fived each other.

Also, because you may need a good laugh as much as we did today... Check out the sheep that sounds like Robin Williams pretending to be a sheep. Everytime he did it, Lee and I just cracked up. It's right at the end... you can't miss it! :)

Water

since having children
there is water
on my floors
on my walls
in Habtamu's ear (just ask him!)
on my toilet seat

i hope that's water