All Time Low

Today started well enough, but we were off our routine, as Lee was going in to work late to be able to work after school hours. Things rapidly deteriorated with H. He was being incredibly defiant... haven't seen THAT so much. I won't go into detail, but the "event" ended with me calling Lee and sobbing (an ugly sob, hiccups and incoherent speech included). I ended up raking outside waiting for Lee to come back home, too angry to really care what was going on in the house.

As soon as Lee came home, I got an apology from H. (Half-hearted, but I tried to pretend forgiveness for now, knowing that the forgiveness feeling WOULD come later.) Lee took H out for a drive (a modern day equivalent to a "trip to the woodshed"?), and they picked up lunch for Yordi and I.

I was exhausted by the drama, and Lee still had to go back to work, and I had 17 meals prepared for the food co-op at church tonight. I can only credit God with the energy to accomplish anything after Lee left for work (again) around 2.

I took the kids to the food exchange. Y opted to play in the nursery with the other kids, but H wanted to "help". I was kind of looking forward to NOT being around him for a little bit, but resigned myself to motherhood. (Lord have mercy, do I need a break.) He was VERY helpful, and liked being given jobs. He became my runner, and I sent him to collect all the food with my name on it, and to help other people carry their food.

I think we're back on track for now. I'm annoyed with myself for my anger, which flared like white lightning... where did THAT come from? Must have been in there, being activated by defiance, and knowing that I can't actually MAKE H do anything. He's too big for me to drag him to time out (which is where the conflagration started) and now, he knows it. That's what scares me the most. He is usually a very sweet kid, but he spiraled out of control quickly and I couldn't break the cycle... probably because I was so stinkin' angry. Huh... sound familiar? Yes, Lee used to have the same issue with H. So now we learn from each other, accept that we're not perfect, and hope tomorrow is better.


Anonymous said...

tomorrow will be better. try to forgive yourself and know that you are doing the best you can. i've locked myself in the bathroom to cry after an 'argument' with lainey and she was only 3 at the time! how ridiculous that sounds now, but sometimes we just don't know what to do as parents and have to learn on the job and then do it better next time around. lisa

Dustin, Nikki, Madison and Sage said...

I am so sorry for your yucky day. Tomorrow will be better. I hope that a new day will give you a fresh outlook and a renewed spirit. I am sorry.

Anonymous said...

Do not blame yourself...every paren looses it once in awhile. Learn from it and move on. Don't beat yourself up over this or you will be annalyzing it forever. Let it go and grow from it. Every child no matter how old they are will push their parents buttons at some time. You all are still a very new family and you are still learning how to be one.

kelly said...

been there, done that... several times. Nothing like parenting to bring out the sinful, unredeemed parts still left in you. It isn't my sins that get me so much as the realization that I'm still sinFUL - forever (it seems) stuck in Rom. 7 and never going on to Rom. 8.

What helps me most is to realize that God knew all along that there WAS this angry, screaming, sarcastic, spiteful part of me, and that it would show its head several times - and he STILL chose me and called me, and is STILL ready to forgive, and to keep working His changes in me.

That and the hymn "come ye sinners" - especially the line "if you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all." How true...